Not shy

I've whipped out something pretty damn special for this blog post.. A snazzy video of me dancing in my 'Dance it Out' sweater from the recent collection, Lifesaving Garments!

So I'm posting this video of me dancing, because even though I find it quite embarrassing, I want to declare that- I DON'T CARE!

I don't know if you're aware of what happens when a bunch of girls are chucked together, but the most common reaction is that we start comparing. This is true for probably 99% of the girls I've met in my life. Your first thoughts are, I don't look like that, her hair is nice, she looks too cool, she's way funnier than me, she's difficult to talk to, she's loud etc
But there was so little of that. I think because Chloe is a fabulous pioneer of generous/engaging/encouraging community, where everyone is valued tremendously, that that kind of set the tone for the rest of us.
I've never felt like I could be so outrageous, fun, interactive, and pretty uncool on the dance floor and get away with it, like I could there. United together we stamped all over the crappy girl stuff that usually weasels it's way in to make you feel like you need to look and be a certain way.

Within the same week I struggled to free myself on the dance floor because didn't feel like I was particularly worth interacting with, which made it pretty difficult to enjoy myself and not feel deflated, which ruined my sweet ass moves somewhat. What a pansy aye. 

There were a lot of things going on that got me to the point of feeling less worth peoples time and attention, but it was mostly my own mind games.

When people say I'm shy, I feel like that means I'm less. 

The thing is, which a lot of 'shy' people will relate to, is the fact that actually we're not that shy.
When you see a 'shy' person in their natural habitat, 9 times out of 10, they won't look shy anymore at all. This is because we're not shy, we just don't know what to do, how to act or what to say, in new situations and with new people.
I'd call it, less adaptable to the grand scope of different social situations, rather than shy.
I think that people start putting you in the 'shy' box way to quickly, and once you're in there, it's difficult to get out. Once people know you're 'shy' you can be avoided. No one likes an awkward exchange where they feel like they're putting in all the effort with you, or even like you're just too much hard work to bother with.
From our side, we also don't want to put anyone through having an awkward exchange with us... and generally expect that they would rather that we left them alone.. Let me explain..

For the past 6 years now, I have been fighting to learn how I can be, what I can do, and general techniques that I can use in order to try and make social exchanges less of a ball ache for the other person, so as to get in to making friends. It's the most difficult thing for me in the world. It's a constant battle. It's so easy just to not go out, or let people carry on without your input, or just to be like, oh I just need to go and do a wee ( because I can't think what else to say) I don't remember ever having an actual proper conversation before the age of 16 or 17, so it's been a steep learning curve. I have definitely improved tremendously, Thank God!

The worst thing I've found is when I've tried to run before I can walk ( which I feel will go on for the rest of my life) and try to get socially involved, but it backfires. The wrong thing comes out in the worst way so easily, or I make really bad impressions on people by accident.
All this time I have been constantly putting in the effort to try and learn how to make situations feel more natural and enjoyable.
The thing is, the effort is often overlooked, because for people that this sort of thing comes naturally to, they don't know that it feels like jumping into a freezing lake of piranhas, just to work up the courage to say 'hello', or heaven help us- ask a question, which would inevitably then lead on to more social interaction.
The freezing lake of piranhas is fresh everyday, I don't get used to it, new people and new situations come up all the time and I force myself to jump in and nearly every time I want to chose to run back in to the warm instead, but I know that that's just no good for life. It does however, get easier to make the jump.

Now, after 6 years of this, I have a massive bank of memories, of all the worst things I've done or said, and I cringe at myself out loud anywhere between 3 and 20 times a day- it kind of sounds like tourettes when I react to remembering those things.

So yes, luckily I have found amazing people who didn't give up. I know I'm in the shy box for so many people and I work to get out of each box one by one, which is a strange place to be in- working to get out of it and being affected by the repercussions of the box, but knowing at the same time that there is no box- just like there is no spoon. (Matrix reference)

So I dance because I'm not shy. But here's the good news: you can dance too & nothing can stop you #partytime